so stressed to the point where i cry whenever i play violin?

Question

Not to be sterotypical, but my family is all chinese. I was born to be successful and talented and hard and smart. My cousin is a genius and is a semifinalist at the intel awards/competition whatever. I have to live up to that expectation that i have to be better than him, but i'm not. I'm not smart, and even though i try very hard, i just cant live up to that. I am not smart, or talented or anything. However, my whole family thinks that i am and keeps looking over me to se if i'm doing my homework, or playing violin or if any awards have come my way. I'm stressed out of my mind. Ever since i was in 2nd grade to 7th grade, the only reason why i played piano was to learn how to read music and get 100 in nyssma tests. The only reason why i play violin from 4th til now is to get into the new york all state orchestra. However, it's going to be impossible for me, since in my school there's 2 violinists that go to julliards pre-college. I cant go to all state. When i was little, i loved to piay music. That was the one thing i loved. However now that i've grown older, the competition is getting harder, and breathing has also become very hard. Ever since last week, i have been criticizing myself saying that my vibrato is too hard, my ending notes have been too squeaky. Since last week, it's been hard for me to play violin. Whenever i prepare my nyssma violin song, it's been hard to breathe. You're only supposed to pursue something if you like to do it right? My mom has a whole different perspective. She wants me to get into All State so i could eventually get into an ivy league college and get a good career and make lots of money and live in a big house and have all the nice clothes i want to wear. I do not know what to do when i grow up. I try so hard, but i cant even get all straight A+s in school. Last quarter, i got 3 As and 7 A+s. It's so frustrating because i can never furfil my mom's expectations. Just a few minutes ago i was playing violin. I had to stop for a second because i just realized that i dont love music like how i used to. It's all about numbers and statistics now. Is this a psychological thing? During the time i was typing this, i could not stop crying and my breathing had become very uneven and harsh. I know music is a beautiful thing, but i do not give it a second thought. It's all about the timing of fingers and the boundaries of cresendo and deminuendo. It's all about the techniques. I hope you dont think i'm a emo wannabe or a depressed girl aiming for attention. What i'm looking for is a way to get rid of this feeling. Is there any cathartic thing i can do to love music again? I really want to love music like how i used to.

Answer 1

I am a NYSSMA AS judge, and your Mom has this backwards - no college cares if you made All-State, unless you are going to major in music - and then, just about EVERYONE who gets into that colleges has also made AS, so the *glory* of doing so is taken for granted. My husband, the top piano instructor here, periodically gets calls from parents of students who wish to bring their child for an assessment, or to study with him. More often that you would think, these kids are being driven to *win a piano scholarship to help pay for computer school, or medical school, etc.* It does not work that way. People achieve at a high level because the motivation and LOVE comes from within. There is NO WAY that any externally-applied pressure makes up for that. Clearly, you Mom has got that whole "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom" thing going on, and will end up with resentful kids who need counseling for years. Your Mom is strangling your love of music - and probably your entire relationship with her.

Answer 2

My fellow asian, i hear you. That's the one thing we have to do, don't disappoint your parents. Though you must know, not everyone is good at everything. When you start playing violin without vibrato it's pretty simple though when you start vibrato all of your feelings in the song that your music is heard by everyone. Skill is not enough to capture people into your music, you have to love what your doing too. Ha ha, my parents don't know that there is any other way to be successful in life than to go to a super ranked college, they also compare me to there friend children and other family members. I'm usually compared to my cousin and my dad's friend that are amazing. Though being envious isn't a bad thing. It makes you want to get better and be as good as the next person. It's not all about techniques perfection or whatever. As long as you do the best of your abilities and you love what your doing then i say that would be a good life any way you look at it. It's not your parents life, though they may say something like fine i raised you better than that or heck no. But they are important of course even if my parents were terrible too me i would still love them. Asian you say... lol racist. Then you do know what anime is right? I suggest La Corda d' oro a classical anime, this what got me really into music. Though of course your parents should respect your judgements, i didn't want to do piano when i was 7, i was happy my parents respected my descision then. Though later i got interested in the idea, now i play piano. Do what you love, try your best, and live life the fullest, your parents made not be proud of you now but they'll respect you later.

Answer 3

I had the EXACT SAME PROBLEM when I was in high school, and I really do mean that, in all-caps.

1) I am Chinese, with very stereotypical Chinese parents.

2) I played violin and my goal (or rather, my violin instructor's goal for me) was to make the Texas All-State Orchestra. I started playing violin out of my own volition but gradually began to hate it, due to all the stress, the forced practicing hour after hour...I, like you, wanted to know how I could regain my appreciation for music.



Do you know what I did (and I actually do have a viable solution for you here)?



I started a trio with two friends (also Chinese, surprise-surprise) that played piano and flute, respectively. We would play at weddings and earn up to $300 for an hour's work (much more than our hamburger-flipping peers).

Suddenly, music was fun again. Practice was voluntary again. We'd spend many late-nights arranging music for ourselves (a lot of wedding pieces are written for quartets, not violin-flute-piano trios), and we also played a remix of Bond's "Explosive" for the senior talent show. None of us actually made All-State, but we all ended up at oh-so-prestigious universities.



Of course, you won't make All-State if you only practice wedding pieces, but I promise doing something similar to this will allow you to regain the love for your instrument that you had lost. Try it. (:

Answer 4

The only goal I have ever had in life is to be happy.



This doesn't seem to be the focus in your family, however, and that's a shame! Music is supposed to bring you joy. Your motivation to make music should be to make yourself happy; to enjoy yourself. It sounds to me like this isn't the case in your family, and that the focus is more about achievements--about making the All State orchestra, getting into the Ivies, etc. This is completely off balance and completely bastardizes music and its worth.



Obviously I can't change your family, but you can try to at least keep a balanced mind. Try to know in your heart that while your family values one thing, their ideas are only one piece of the picture--a very small, minor piece. Try to play the violin for fun. Try to find pieces that are FUN to play, try to find things about the instrument which bring you joy, because that's all that really matters.



And anyway, all of this BS about Ivies and getting good jobs, etc. is so trivial in the big picture. Economies crash, houses burn down, companies go bankrupt. But do you know what doesn't disappear in an instant? Genuine happiness. So just keep that in mind; follow what makes you happy, try to find joy in the things that are being forced on you, and keep a balanced mindset.

Answer 5

I am actually an amateur violinist (playing for only 2 years), but I know how you feel. At the music studio I attend, stress is placed on perfection and I CAN NOT live up to those standards. It is really frustrating at times, but I combat my loathing of the overachieving culture by finding a happy place. When playing, I might squeak or make a mistake, but I take time to close my eyes and imagine myself alone with nothing but the beautiful music. It may sound corny, but I believe it really helps. I also get caught up in the pressures of school and my family, but finding quiet time to figure what you want out of life is very important. I am sorry that you are going through this. Just try to have confidence in yourself and enjoy life. :)

Answer 6

No, that's beautiful. You should watch The Red Violin. Amazing movie about a violin that will touch your soul. Samuel L. Jackson is in it.

Answer 7

You have to play the music on your own terms. Pushing yourself too hard for somebody else's vision as to what your future should be seems to be causing you some anxiety. Stop and think about all the reasons you used to love music, and try and go forward playing music for those reasons. Don't be overly critical of your techniques. Just practice and enjoy.

Answer 8

Are you trying to say that everyone else that's behind you, (FIRST CHAIR/CONCERTMISTRESS IN OUR SCHOOL) is even worse than you and won't even stand a chance, especially since you can't?

Because if you can really open your eyes your stand partner, my stand partner, and I (fourth) aren't complaining, we just want to play because we love it. Just chill .



and someone who got 1 B on the report card - that we both know- is a Dummy????



you dont always have to be the best in everything. and you have to trust me on this one, cuz even though you don;t think so, you'll look back when you're older and see that maybe you were.







and thats all i have to say :)